Free from Weed in Columbus, Ohio
I was born into the type of chaotic and dysfunctional family that breeds good addicts, although I know I would have been an addict in any family. My father was a gambler who mixed verbal abuse with humor; my mother had untreated bipolar symptoms and would swing from being cool, cruel, and critical to crying desperately for love and attention. My father retired from the Air Force the year I was born and my mother struggled with odd jobs, like dog grooming in the mud room, to make ends meet. There never seemed to be enough of anything. I was the youngest of five children, and by the time I came along, it seemed like my mom was tired and content to let my sisters raise me. My oldest sister was fairly up to the task and did the best a teenager could possibly do to mother me. My other sister made it her goal to freak me out on a daily basis, and succeeded! As a child I struggled with intense fears, and a lack of identity. My parents divorced by the time I was 9 years old, and within a year my life was turned upside down. I went from living with my parents and 4 brothers and sisters in a suburban neighborhood, to living with my mom and her new husband, with baby brother on the way, out in the hills of southern Ohio. All of my brothers and sisters were old enough to move out on their own, or chose to live with my father. The early high that really sticks in my mind is when I found some weed outside my dad’s house and later smoked it alone at my mom’s house. I was about 13. My oldest brother was a 70’s style druggie with the long hair, oily jeans, and Led Zeppelin records. He lived with my dad most of the time and had a ‘57 Chevy in the garage. He was out there all day with a bunch of his buddies, and when I went outside later I found a little baggy with about an eighth. The next time my mom and stepdad left me in charge of my little brother, I rolled up a big joint with some rolling papers I swiped from one or the other of my siblings and commenced to smoke way too much up in my room. The result was tunnel vision, panic attacks, a racing heart, and a feeling that I was sure to die. Who knows what my brother was doing all this time. I remember as I came down, I felt as if I had accomplished something big. I had stood in the face of insanity and came out all right. Later I would have that same feeling with lots of precarious drug and drinking experiences. I had gone to the edge, maybe even jumped over, and returned to boast about it. I was cool, and more than that, advanced in some way, like a shaman!
I continued my pot smoking and drinking in a weekend warrior way through high school and college. At the age of 23 I became a full-time pothead. I was in my last year of college and had left a marriage the year before. I found a group of friends that accepted and loved me. We all lived together in one big house and partied hard. I managed to graduate from college and began my life as a partier with marginal employment. I never used my degree in business, but embarked on a career of delivering packages. I got high morning, noon, and night, and thought nothing of it. I loved it! Pot was a panacea; it was the answer to my every problem. It brought me out of my shell. It sparked my creativity. It brought me self-esteem. It connected me to God. It helped me have great sex. It gave me the power to make friends. It relieved my depression and anxiety. It was everything!! I became a pot and hemp activist. I wrote, spoke, and sang about weed. I organized events centered around hemp education and publicly getting high. I traveled in my region to many such festivals. I worked to pass a petition in my state to de-criminalize marijuana. Everywhere I went, I extolled the virtues of this wonder-plant. I even gave my dad a copy of “The Hemp Revolution”. Now, I believe the hemp plant is valuable as a resource, but it’s unfortunate stoners like me are out there going, “Dude, check this out!” It’s hard for normal people to take that seriously.
About two years into my daily pot use, I had the realization that my spiritual development through marijuana was over. I had come to the place where I could learn nothing more through the weed. That began the phase of my smoking where I wanted to quit, sort of, but couldn’t, so I tried to control my using and threatened to quit every other week. This went on for 12 more years. I was smoking every day and becomingly increasingly uncomfortable with it. That is a long time to swing back and forth between trying to be a proud stoner and desperately wanting to change.
My addiction progressed slowly over those 12 years. I became increasingly paranoid, anxious, and fatigued. My depression returned. I had a great deal of trouble with relationships. I went from job to job and never had a career. All of my boyfriends were dealers or the kind of guys that always had a bag. I met a really nice man that way. He would come to my shows and get me high in between sets. My band would go to his apartment after hours and smoke bong hits. He seemed like the kind of guy I would like to be in a relationship with! I was living with my dad so once we got together I quickly moved into his place. It was weird though, because once I got to know him he seemed to drink more than get high, and stopped having a bag on him all the time! Oh well. We fell fast and hard and I brought him into my hippy life of Hempfests, camping, and living with lots of people. We both decided we wanted a kid and conceived. I smoked through my whole pregnancy and for her whole life until she was about 9 years old. When I was pregnant and told my midwives and doctor that I was smoking, they said it was fine. They obviously didn’t know how much I smoked!
We got married when I was 9 months pregnant. By the time my daughter was two, I had ruined our relationship. I was selfish to the extreme and had no concept of loyalty or commitment. I wanted to do whatever I wanted to do, and I wanted everybody to be ok with that. I was cruel and demeaning. He wasn’t perfect, but he was a good loyal man, and a good father. I threw that relationship in the trash heap with the rest of them and went on with my destructive ways. I put myself before my daughter always. My need for men and weed was always first, so her safety and provisions suffered.
When my daughter was 4, I slept with a dude and let him move in the next day. I was in love! A month later I had a restraining order on him because he had physically threatened me and shattered a windshield with his bare fist. A couple days after that, I let him move back in. I spent the next three months wondering how something so wonderful could be so bad! My walls showed the marks of his violence, and though he never hit me, my body was marked up with self-inflicted wounds and bruises from my own physical violence. He would steal money from me and others and disappear at night. I wondered if he was a crackhead but I never found out for sure. I had the thought that if I was attracting people like this, I might have a drug problem myself. I prayed to God to show me what to do, and that night I had a dream that I must get him out of my life. I kicked him out and luckily my daughter and I got through that experience without any permanent harm to her. My ex-husband decided to sue for custody with his parent’s urging, but surprisingly there wasn’t enough evidence of my poor mothering to change our joint custody agreement.
That experience scared me, and I was much more careful with men, but I didn’t kick the weed. I remember a time among many when I was bereft and spiritually bankrupt, and wanted to quit so badly. I threw out my baggy under a tree in the front yard. Every day for two weeks, you could see me under that tree, sifting through leaves and dirt, trying to reclaim every little scrap of marijuana. I was pitiful! I tried to find help. I had been in and out of counseling since the beginning of my habitual use, and none of my counselors seemed to have any clue about marijuana addiction. I looked for support groups and found none. I talked to my doctor and he said pot wasn’t a big deal, but maybe an anti-depressant would help. Every one of my friends couldn’t understand why I wanted to quit. What was the big deal? It was just weed. The problem was I needed to smoke less. The problem was that I felt guilty about it. The problem was I needed to use it as a reward after a hard day, and not smoke all day. I could not figure it out! Why couldn’t I just smoke and be happy like everyone else?
I hit a bottom in my 12th year of smoking. I was smoking eight or nine one hits (of my fiance’s weed) at a time in my bathroom while my daughter was watching TV. I was extremely paranoid that my landlord, who lived upstairs, could smell it through the vent system. I was fatigued and depressed. I was overweight and unkempt, and engaged to a man I didn’t want to marry. I finally decided I would do what it took to kick marijuana. I went to my doctor and finally got that prescription for an anti-depressant. I was in counseling and my counselor suggested NA, since we could find no marijuana recovery groups in Central Ohio. I started going to meetings, NA and AA, and stayed clean for about 6 months. In NA I felt like a lightweight for being addicted to marijuana. In AA I felt like I wasn’t much of a drinker. I finally decided that I didn’t have a problem with alcohol, I was sick of this whole deal, and I was going to quit meetings and have a beer. I started drinking and within 2 weeks I was smoking weed every day again. I quit taking my anti-depressant and I quit my counselor and just went back to my old life. I felt a little happier and had lost a few pounds so things seemed up. I left my fiance and met another stoner who always had good weed. I spent a year or so with him and after we broke up I had a little more control over my using. I got a better job and was able to buy a little house for myself and my daughter. I was able to only smoke when she was at her dad’s or asleep. I was getting better at little things like making lunch and grocery shopping. I had a decent job and went to work everyday. I seemed to be doing ok.
During my last summer of partying, I was going to the bar on Sunday nights when my daughter was at her dad’s and driving home very drunk. I went to my friend’s house a couple times and got so high I couldn’t move. When I finally drove home I was in and out of consciousness and very much a danger to myself and others. I never got pulled over, but it was very clear to me that I would suffer consequences if I didn’t stop. I wasn’t getting high everyday but I was obsessed with getting high every waking minute. I was working with a guy who was an alcoholic and needed a meeting, so out of the goodness of my heart I took him to a cool AA meeting that I knew of. We did this for about 3 weeks. During that time I was riding the fence. I knew I could smoke marijuana until I died if I wanted to, but I really didn’t want to. I knew the program could help me, but I really didn’t want that either. I was back and forth. My last high was in July of 2007. I found a new dealer who delivered. He brought me a bag and as was my way I proceeded to smoke almost all of it while watching the “Incredibles” on DVD. I got so wasted that I couldn’t move out of my chair. I was convinced there were evil spirits in my house, so I was also paralyzed with fear. I sat in that chair, not moving, not sleeping, in and out of consciousness, for over 4 hours while the little DVD menu song played over and over. This just wasn’t fun anymore, and hadn’t been fun for a very long time. In fact in was downright scary, and dangerous!
Later that week I decided I would do what it took to get clean. I knew where to go and what to do. When I “took my friend” to the next AA meeting, I decided during the meeting I would like to have a sponsor that was also a massage therapist, since I was plagued with body pain! I asked someone if they knew of anyone available for sponsorship and they introduced me to Patty. Lo and behold, she was willing to work with me, AND she was a massage therapist! I took that as a sign that I was on the right path and my Higher Power was already at work.
Patty and I got started on the steps right away. I worked a very thorough first step on all my addictions. I was able to go back through my drinking career and realize that I was a “good enough” alcoholic to work an AA program, it’s just that when I discovered weed I didn’t have much of a need for alcohol! I learned that I was powerless over alcohol, weed, and relationships. Even though at the time I got clean my life was more manageable than it had been in the past, it was still unmanageable because I was fatigued in mind, body and spirit. I was about to get in trouble with the law, and I wasn’t living up to who I wanted to be. I learned to substitute marijuana for the word alcohol when I read the Big Book, and I learned that I belonged in AA because of the 3rd tradition. I had a desire to stop drinking alcohol, because alcohol lowered my defenses and would eventually lead me to smoking pot everyday. Now that I felt I belonged, I was able to jump into the steps and the fellowship. I talked openly about my marijuana use and nobody kicked me out. People laughed sometimes, but I tried to ignore them. I was an addict and I needed help. No one was going to take away my help!
My first couple of years clean I went through many tough times. My daughter was angry, and not used to having mom “be there”, so we had to work things out. I had to gently regain my status as head of the household, and I had to regain her trust and respect. It was so hard at times, but it wasn’t long before our relationship was joyful. I went through a first year relationship to a “separated” man. He was never completely available to me, but I just kept trying! When he broke up with me I was devastated, and my old issues of abandonment rose up like a hungry lion. Thanks to my (now 2) sponsors, I was able to release some very deep pain safely and thoroughly. 2 weeks later I found out I was pregnant, and when I told him, he let me know that he and his wife had reconciled. I began the process of acceptance for my new status as a once-again single mother to an infant. I made amends to his wife. I prepared myself for a baby. My daughter and I were very excited! 4 months later, on Friday the 13th, my ultrasound showed that my baby had died. Talk about turning two sharp corners in life in a very short time! I was in incredible pain. Once again, my sponsors and my support family came through. My sponsors and sponsee sisters showed up at the hospital. When I was refusing pain medication during the delivery, my sponsor Elaine told me I had bore enough, and it was ok to take the relief of pain medication at that time. I was so grateful to her for that. I talked about my loss in meetings. I received cards from meetings, and I received free grief counseling from a woman in the program. I got through all of these difficulties without using marijuana or other drugs, and I became a better and stronger person. As a result of my relationship healing, I found that I had more discernment when it came to men and I could and would choose more wisely. I spent about 8 months single before I met my husband. We are now happily married and have 21 years of recovery between us!
In my third year of recovery I decided to look into starting a meeting for marijuana addicts. What’s really funny is that when I was getting high all the time, I used to fantasize about starting a support group for weed addicts! I knew that my need to identify was never fully met by AA or NA, and I thought there might be others I could help, too. I looked up Marijuana Anonymous online and asked for a meeting packet. It took me a while to actually get the meeting started, I’m a pothead after all, but I did finally start the only MA meeting in Columbus, Ohio in January of 2010. People have come and gone, but I know each one of them received a seed of marijuana recovery. My husband has joined me there almost every week. There have been times that it was just me, and times that we have had 14 people, but no matter what I find it worthwhile. It keeps me clean, and we have two guys that have really gotten it! One has 6 months and one has 4 months. We all love the MA literature because it speaks directly to the weedhead!! We also love sharing our stories because we know what it’s like to be addicted to marijuana - cute, sweet, natural little marijuana - insidious marijuana - supposedly non-addictive, good-for-you-and-the-planet marijuana! What a deceptive drug, and so difficult to kick!!
Today, I have a God of my understanding, and I work the 11th step every day in any capacity that I can. I have gotten over many hangups about God. I used to think God’s will for me sounded really hard and awkward, and was the type of thing only the Mother Theresa’s of the world could accomplish. Today I believe that God’s will is for me to be healthy, joyous, free, and overflowing with expression! This is so much easier. God wants me to be myself, and be good to myself, build my character, and be good to others. I don’t have to give everything up to be in God’s will. I finally figured out God wants to hear me sing and play guitar, so I have started playing and writing again! I have my MA meeting and I have a couple other recovery meetings I am committed to. I have continuously done service work since the beginning, and am generally a treasurer of one meeting or another. I talk to my sponsors on a regular basis. I ask God for fresh opportunities for service, but at this time I don’t have any sponsees.
Today, I have energy to accomplish the things I want to do, and to nurture the relationships that I value. My husband and I are diligent about our marriage. We have been through some tough times, so we go to counseling, and make quick amends when we make mistakes. It’s great to be with someone I really love who is fully committed to his own growth and recovery. I have my own successful business that I enjoy a great deal. I have always dreamed of being my own boss, and now that dream has come true. My daughter is 13 now and I love being her mom. She is a strong, creative, insightful kid, and she respects her mom and the program. When she sees me struggling, she tells me to call someone, and she understands words like gratitude and willingness! She gets good grades and she goes to school with all the things she needs to be successful. Working the 12 steps and allowing God and others into my life has given me everything, and I am forever grateful! I look forward to more and more Columbus, Ohio potheads getting clean and forming a strong fellowship of recovery and service! I know eventually it will happen, and I’m not going to give up on the MA miracle!
