Learning how to take my Inventory

Hello all, I wanted to share real quickly some tools that have helped me.

Started attending AA meetings in April (coincidentally picked up my 24-hour chip on 4.20, funny right?)

After 6 months or so of sobriety, I came off probation for a minor possession charge. So like any good pothead, I decided, "It's my time to get high!" Well this experiment was not too great.

But here was the key for me. I *wrote down* and *recorded* (on a flip hd cam) all my thoughts during this time. And it was a no-brainer. On the days when I was sober, I might have 3 or 4 really downer thoughts. As soon as I took inventory of them, I could reflect and forgive myself (and whoever was the source of my misery) and move on with my day, *like that*! But on the days when I was high,  I was writing down 10 to 15 negative thoughts. Some of them were simply "I feel like a loser for blazing." But others were way more intense, and it was *much* harder to let go of the negativity having blazed earlier in the day.

I know that I was in big denial in my old waking and baking days. The difference this time around was that I was *recording* my thoughts *while* I was high. This way I couldn't lie to myself. Just looking at videos of myself stoned (the droopy eyes, the thoughts that go on and on and then just end nowhere, the memory loss), I mean it was so obvious.

I still have thoughts of that "perfect" scenario of blazing. But, right here, right now, to remain in conscious contact with my higher power, I need to stay sober. When sober, I can turn my negativity over to my higher power. When I'm high, my higher power says to me "Sorry buddy, you're going to have hang on to this pain until you learn your lesson. I'm ready to help you heal once you are!"

I never understood how to take my inventory. I would always wait till the end of the day. But, if you're like me, than no matter how much you blazed, you could convince yourself by the end of the day that "things are ok, and I deserve this high." Taking my inventory on a *moment by moment* basis is what changed everything.

A great aid in all this was reading the book "Feeling Good" by David Burns. I got it from half.com for like $5, but I was emailed a pdf version (free) first. After reading the pdf version, I realized this book could help me. I wanted to offer the same help to all of you. If anyone wants to me email them the book, just message me!

We all deserve a happy, sober 24 hours. If we choose to get high, let it be our choice, and not the cause of external events, and let it not be riddled with guilt. I cannot get high without sinking in to a low, so for today, I choose to not get high.

Take care everyone!

~rahul

Thanks for sharing your story, rahul. What a great idea to make a video diary...though I feel fortunate, somehow, that I didn't do it myself. On the other hand, with the popularity of reality TV, maybe I could be rich and (in-) famous, living on the royalties.

Have you read our newsletter, A New Leaf? Here is a link to the current, October 2010 edition. You might want to consider suggesting your story for publication: it might well help someone still suffering. You could just cut & paste the above to the online story submission page.

Thanks for helping me get through the day.

All the best.

Thanks keith! Just submitted it! Still struggling here, but not as bad as I used to. I believe my power to say "no" is starting to grow. If I do say "yes" it is my choice, no on else's, and I don't need to wallow in misery over it.

Everyday is a new day!

Welcome aboard Rahul

Hi Rahul. Thank you for the idea of a video diary.  I am on day #3 clean.  I feel empowered this time because of this site.  I would love to read that PDF book.  Could you send it to me?  My e mail is apollocaron@yahoo.com.  thanks for your willingness to share.

Hey Rahul, I'm on day 18 and counting! Cigarettes packed in as well. 

I loved your story! I too have had that feeling of hopelessness...Life sucks anyway; the world is rotten; all this injustice, unemployement, violence and crime... a few puffs away and it all seemed simpler didn't it? I am way too small to challenge anything, so I'll keep smoking till my brain cannot think anymore and that would do me! Tomorrow I will go to work, fight against all odds to remain in a post I despise, work with people I hate, but that's life. When I get home I will have a puff first thing, then cook, eat, have another puff, then follow every activity by one more puff... oh! damn it's bedtime! where did the night go? where did the week go? where did the year go??? never mind, that's life...      

what a bag of bull!!!!! If you still have a copy of that PDF, please could you email it to me at egoalter@hotmail.co.uk ?

Many thanks