Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory...

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After we became honest enough to take the first step, open-minded enough to take the second, and willing enough to take the third, we were ready to confront Step Four. We have observed what happens to those who resist this step. Some marijuana addicts will not follow the suggestion to do this step, or to do it promptly. Some of them stop coming to meetings and start using again. Others keep coming back, but their spiritual awareness does not grow. They recount the same experiences, express the same emotions, and suffer the same pain. Nothing changes for them; they appear to be stuck. We learned that as long as we resisted taking our inventory, we put our sobriety and our lives at risk. Just as denial once stopped us from seeking recovery, defiance, shame, and fear can hinder our spiritual growth. Once we made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to a Higher Power, it was imperative that we do just that. After all, the faith we acquired by taking Step Three meant very little if we did not follow it with immediate action.

The disease of addiction impaired our ability to know ourselves and to be true to ourselves. Regardless of our way of life, our denial about our disease coupled with a lack of self-awareness kept us in an endless loop where we practiced the same destructive behaviors again and again, while always expecting different results. Step Four is a factfinding process meant to put an end to this interminable cycle by identifying those facets of our character that blocked us from a relationship with a Higher Power. Step Four required courage.

Some people believe that our instincts have been given to us by a Higher Power and exist for a purpose. A desire for material, emotional, and sexual security insures our survival as a species. As addicts, we allowed our healthy instincts to get out of control. These feelings drove us, dominated us, and ruled our lives. They became warped and exaggerated. The pursuit of these desires caused pain and suffering to the people in our lives. They, in turn, reacted-and we ultimately resented it.

We all had our own patterns to find. Sometimes, with the help of our sponsors, we found there were certain similar threads woven through many of our lives; we were not terminally unique. We indulged ourselves in fruitless searches for people and outside factors we could blame for the spiritual emptiness of our lives. We alternated between blaming ourselves and blaming others. We were often quite childish. Our ability to experience emotions was impaired. We held on to resentments about the past, which prohibited us from embracing the present and living our lives to the fullest. Some of us were full of remorse and could not forgive ourselves for making mistakes. That is, we would not accept our humanity.

We were full of fear. Those fears stopped us from doing what needed to be done. Some of us were delusional; we lived in a private world that no one else shared. Perhaps we considered suicide, were otherwise depressed, or found ourselves unable to interact with other people. Maybe we were desperately lonely. For many of us, our self-pity became anger at the world for mistreating us and, for some, this anger escalated into rage. Some of us lied, cheated, and stole in a vain attempt to fulfill our desires for material, emotional, and sexual security.

Within the fellowship, we found that many of us had done the same kinds of things, had felt the same, and had experienced similar thoughts. We were compulsive, obsessive, and could not express the full range of human emotions. Full of fear and resentments, we identified with those who were still in the same place, and wanted to follow those who had found the way out.

Taking inventory is not a thinking exercise; it is a writing exercise. By getting our experiences on paper, we began the process of shedding our resentments, remorse, and fear. We discovered the patterns of behavior that had allowed us to be needlessly hurt or which we had used to harm others.

Did our anger, fear, belligerence, defiance, and denial combine with our disease and lead us to hospitals, jail cells, or gutters? Were we derelicts who were unable to support our families or ourselves? Were we functioning as marginal members of society, stuffing our feelings, and becoming furtive, neurotic bundles of unexpressed emotions? Were we quick to blame society and our fellow human beings for our woes? Were we hypocrites who justified engaging in an explicitly illegal activity? Were we full of tremendous insights, but unable to follow through with the vast projects we envisioned? Were we creatures of appetite using other drugs, alcohol, sex, food, or other people to try to wrest satisfaction out of the world? Were we talented people with fantastic potential who, even if we found success, could not savor it? Regardless of our career triumphs or artistic achievements, did we feel unfulfilled? And even though we had many social relationships, did we feel a lacking, an emptiness? Were we egoists forever seeking approval?

When we put pen to paper, the answers to questions like these began to appear. We began to realize that the injuries and offenses against us, real or imagined, had kept us mired in fear and anger. We began to see our part in what had happened to us. We gained a new understanding about those who had harmed us. We saw that they were often spiritually sick or misguided, just like us. We found that we had had a role in some of our supposed misfortune. A rigorously honest inventory showed us that we might have stepped on the toes of others in a misguided, drugged, and self-centered quest for happiness and fulfillment. Thus, we gained insight into our relationships.

Many of us were afraid to start this process, but we finally became so uncomfortable that we had to do something. At this time, we sought guidance and direction from our sponsor. We did not have to take this journey alone. We asked our Higher Power for the willingness, strength, and courage to look at ourselves honestly, fearlessly, and thoroughly. We did this each time we sat down to write, whether it was one time or several. There are many ways to do the Fourth Step. It is not an autobiography. One suggestion follows.

First, we made a list of our resentments. We listed our resentments of people, places, things, and principles. Next to that we wrote why we had each resentment. We then wrote down how it had affected us. Did it affect our self-esteem or our personal relationships? Maybe it had affected our material or emotional security, or sex relations. Were our ambitions (social, physical security, or sexual) threatened?

After that, we had to do some real soul searching. What were our own wrongs and mistakes? Where were our faults, shortcomings, or defects? What was our part in each resentment? Were we selfish or dishonest? Had we been self-seeking or frightened? Had we been inconsiderate? Remember, this was our personal inventory. We had to disregard the other side and look only at our own part. We had to be rigorously honest with ourselves and admit our shortcomings on paper.

We did the same thing with all of our fears. We listed the fears, and then why we had each one. We wrote how each fear affected us, and our part in it.

Next, we reviewed our sexual conduct, making a list of our partners and determining in which relationships we were selfish. Whom did we harm? Whom did we use? Whom had we taken advantage of? What did we do? What could we have done instead? How did it affect us? We were thorough in all of this.

We then listed any other moral issues that did not seem to fit in the previous categories, including times we lied, cheated, stole, or harmed others. We also listed any secrets that we had not mentioned so far. Experience has taught us that we are as sick as our secrets.

After we listed and analyzed our resentments, we began to realize that they no longer had as much power over us. We began to see that the negative traits and behaviors we had practiced, and may even have once enjoyed or regarded as pleasurable, would no longer work in our lives. It became possible to face our fears with the help of our Higher Power. We knew what we were afraid of, and why. In the instant that we faced our fears, we began to overcome them. After we took stock of our relationships (both sexual and otherwise), we began to look at these relationships differently and with less selfishness. Once we had written down everything that we had been unwilling to deal with for so long, we were finally free to look at what was right in us. For many of us it was just as important to list our positive assets and attributes. Many of us discovered that we had low self-esteem. We learned that we are neither all bad, nor all good. We are simply human.

The Fourth Step opened windows for us. We rediscovered the many people who had helped us along the way and gained a new appreciation for our loved ones, friends, spiritual guides, and teachers. We began to transform our fears into faith and started to find a new way to love — unconditionally. Our attitude of denial and defiance began to change into an attitude of gratitude.

Some of us did not get it all the first time, so we did other inventories as more memories surfaced. There is nothing wrong with that. Taking inventory is a process we can repeat. However, once we began to look at our attitudes and behaviors with energy and honesty, we found the process to be more joyful than difficult. The pain of doing the Fourth Step was a lot less than the pain we would have held on to by not doing this step. It pays dividends beyond any that can be anticipated.

After writing our Fourth Step, we discovered both a new appreciation of our strengths and an acceptance of our weaknesses. We re-read our inventory. Sitting alone, we reviewed it carefully. We asked God to help us find any important things that we might have left out. We made certain that our admissions were thorough and honest. We were ready to take Step Five.

Here is what the MA Twelve Step Workbook (PDF) says about Step Twelve:

Now that we’ve been honest enough to take Step One, open-minded enough to take Step Two, and willing enough to take Step Three, we are ready for Step Four. Before we start this step, it is important to ask what it is that we want from recovery.

Step Four does take courage. It begins the process of learning who we are. Many of us feared beginning this step, but once we did the work, we found it was less difficult than we had imagined. The inventory is a detailed description of our character challenges, or defects of character, removed of judgment. Remember, it is an inventory; no action other than writing is required.

While we look at our character challenges and wrongs in Step Four, many of us found it helpful to examine our character assets as well. We encourage you to look at and list all aspects of your character in this step. As you work in this process you will likely gain a greater understanding and acceptance of the person you have been, and see the potential of the person you are becoming.

Taking this inventory is not a thinking exercise, it’s a writing exercise. As you work on your inventory, try not to leave anything out because of shame, fear or embarrassment. What you record is between you, your Higher Power, and your sponsor or other trusted person with whom you share this step. We find that the more thorough and honest we are, the better results we get from this step. Remember, we are only as sick as our secrets. Ask your Higher Power for help every time you sit down to write. There is no rush. We have found the rewards to be substantial.

Getting Started:

The inventory suggested in LWH (and this workbook) is really four separate inventories: resentments, fears, sexual history, our assets, and a final inventory to cover anything that might have been missed. Each inventory is unique, and it is suggested that you do them one at a time, in the order set out below. Included are templates that might be helpful when doing this step; we suggest that you make several copies of each before beginning, if you choose to use them.

These inventories may be handwritten or done on computer. If writing by hand, have plenty of paper, or a notebook, and a quiet place to work. For many of us, writing by hand is more intuitive and less from reasoned thinking, which is best avoided here. Some find the use of a computer to be of assistance in doing this work. Whatever our preference, the reward is release from the past and freedom from the pain that has enslaved us.

Before beginning this inventory we recommend an exercise to facilitate openness and willingness. For many of us, this means a prayer to a higher power. Here's an example:

Higher Power would you please bring to mind all of my resentments (fears, memories of sexual misconduct, etc.) that I need to look at in this inventory.

The exact words we say aren’t as important as saying the words we choose with a spirit of openness. Many of us have found that saying the prayer out loud is helpful. If we just relax and ask for help, it’s amazing how freely the information we need to look at will flow onto the paper.

Three things to remember: 1) Stay focused. 2) Pray. 3) Keep writing!

We are ready to begin.

The Resentment Inventory:

We usually begin with the resentment inventory, which is generally divided into four columns. It is strongly suggested that we complete one column at a time, from top to bottom (going onto several sheets if necessary), before beginning the next column. In other words, we list all of the people, principles, and institutions that we resent before looking at anything in the 2nd column (the cause), leaving enough room to fill in each cause of our resentments. Experience shows that when we write more than one column at a time, the process becomes too confusing. Once we have completed our first column, we move on, remembering that we can always go back and make additions as other people, principles, and institutions towards which we hold resentments
come to mind.

In the second column, for each person / principle / institution in column one, we write down the cause or causes for each resentment. For example:

[See LIFE WITH HOPE WORKBOOK for the example]

In column three, we identify how the “causes” in column two impacted our well-being, what part
of us was hurt or threatened. Examples:

[See LIFE WITH HOPE WORKBOOK for the example]

Again, note that for each column 2 cause, there can be more than one area affected. It is important to be thorough (which is one of the reasons why it is recommended that we attempt to finish each column before starting the next). Of course, if we think of things we've forgotten that belong in a previous column, by all means we fill in those blanks. But again, we find it best to work on one column at a time and to be as exhaustive as possible.

In preparing to be rid of these resentments, we realize that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. We say a prayer for each every resentment, such as:

“__________ is a sick person. How can I be helpful to them? Higher Power, save me from being angry. Help me show ______ the same tolerance, kindness, and patience that I would cheerfully grant a sick friend.”

In the fourth column we identify our part in each resentment. This means that we look for what we did to create or aggravate the situations described in the earlier column. Where were we to blame? Sometimes this is obvious: when we resent a spouse or partner for being jealous, for example, we might come to understand fairly easily how our actions may have led to our partner’s feelings. Other times, our part may be more difficult to identify. Perhaps our anger at someone at work is completely understandable, based upon how they have treated us. In such a case, we may find that where we have failed is in our refusal to forgive: we have allowed the resentment to fester and grow, perhaps even gaining enjoyment out of it! Sometimes we rack our brains and cannot find our part in the resentment. This is where a sponsor's help can prove invaluable.

Whenever you get stuck, take a break. These inventories take most of us weeks to complete - some of us have spent much longer, though such delay is not usually necessary. The sooner we begin, and the more we do each day, the sooner we will be finished. We find that when we return to working on our inventory after a break of more than a few minutes, it's a good idea to perform the willingness exercise (or prayer) again.

Once we have finished the fourth column of our resentment inventory, we look over our worksheet for things we may have missed or where we could have been more thorough.

We are now ready for the fear inventory.

The Fear Inventory:

The fear inventory is a lot like the resentment inventory, except that here, the focus is on our fears. We list each fear in the first column. When we have written out all of our fears to the best of our ability, we explore the cause or causes of our fears in the second column. In the third column, we write how each fear affects our lives today. In the fourth column, we write down our part, if any.

[See LIFE WITH HOPE WORKBOOK for the example]

We then ask our Higher Power to remove the fear. We do this for each individual fear.

“Higher Power please remove my fear of ____________ and direct my attention towards what
you would have me be.”

Again, we should remember to take breaks, and to take advantage of whatever prayers, tools or techniques that we have found that help us to be more willing, honest and open minded. For years, we have run away from ourselves with marijuana. Even without the marijuana, our tendency is to hide the truth rather than to face it. But if we are to grow as individuals, if we are to truly deal with this disease of marijuana addiction, we must face each of our fears, so that we can work through them. Remember always that we will not be working through them alone.

Once we have conquered the fear inventory, we are ready for the sex inventory.

The Sex Inventory:

We begin by listing each of our sexual partners. In the second column, we ask ourselves how we behaved by answering these questions: Did we harm that person? Did we use them or take advantage of them? As always, we try to be as honest and thorough as we can. Remember that we are not concerned here with what others may have done to us. If we have a resentment against someone because of something done to us, then we add them to our resentment inventory.

In the third column, we describe what part of us was hurt or threatened. What part of us caused the harm? Where was I selfish, dishonest, inconsiderate, jealous, suspicious or bitter?

In the fourth column, we write down where we were at fault. In the fifth column we describe what we could have done instead. Again, we always try to remember to be thoroughly honest every step of the way.

[See LIFE WITH HOPE WORKBOOK for the example]

Secrets and Other Issues:

We may find that there are instances where we have harmed people, lied, cheated or stole. We may have secrets that we have yet to uncover. We list them now.

Assets:

At this point, many of us have found that it is also important that we take a look at the things that we’ve done right. We look to see where we have had a positive impact on ourselves and others. We do this so that we might have a more complete picture of ourselves. We also want to know those character traits and behaviors that we wish to foster in our lives.
We ask ourselves: what qualities do I have that I like?

We suggest looking over everything one more time, asking our Higher Power to help us find anything important we might have missed. If we have been exhaustive, if we have searched our hearts and souls, we may feel a sense of relief having completed this step.

We are now ready for STEP FIVE.

[See LIFE WITH HOPE WORKBOOK for Worksheets]

Got my workbook and went over steps 1-3, now just gotta get started on my inventory.

hi christopher:

SO great that you are checking out the steps!
curious: are you working with a sponsor?

step 4 is wonderful and essential but can also get very deep and hairy. at least it was for me.
i tried going it alone when i was about 6 months clean and then realized i was doing myself a tremendous disservice. i really needed more support because i was getting critical of myself in very subtle ways that were having a negative impact on my recovery - stressing me and this was NOT good for my balance and groundedness.

just sharing my experience. no intention to rain on your fabulous parade.
happy day!