The child within

I had tried to quit many times.  If you look at Step One in our book, there are many similarities with my story - making promises such as only smoking on the weekends, only smoking with friends (I saw a lot more of my pothead friends), hiding it, giving it to my wife for safe keeping, etc.  During one of the occasions when I has asked my wife to hold my stash for me so I wouldn't smoke it during the week, I ended up, one Monday evening, going through all of her things, while she was in the bath, looking for the key to the lock box.  I found the key, grabbed the weed, hoping and praying she would not catch me like a child getting caught with their hand in the cookie jar.  It was then that I had my moment of grace and I truly saw myself and who I had become.  A scared child who could not control their impulses, their needs, and I saw that I was powerless over my need to smoke pot.  I was powerless over marijuana.  It was only then that I realized I really needed help.  I was a 34 year old with a 14 year old child within.  I am eternally grateful I found MA and am looking at almost 6 years of sobriety.

Condensed version!
Great Loren.
Look forward to seeing more tidbits about your story

That was a hard one for me to face up to, that my behavoir as adult addict was on par with that of a spoiled selfish child.

Still have to keep that behavior in check at times, but its getting better all the time...

Thank you for your share.

Good day to everyone!  I recently passed my 6 year milestone clean and sober!  I'll be celebrating this anniversary at our Saturday morning meeting in Melville, Long Island for anyone who can make it!

I am very grateful for the support of the fellowship and know that I could not have done this without this program.  Lord knows I tried so many times and so many different ways to quit smoking pot.  I actually smoked marijuana last on March 21st, but after being clean for about a year and a half I chose to reset my sobriety date to the last time I had any mind altering drugs including alcohol, which was the evening of July 31st.  That is really the date I felt like I "got it".  

I had been hearing about the dangers of cross-addiction and had heard from some people that attended the meetings I went to that they not only quit smoking pot, but stopped drinking alcohol as well.  Well, why should I?  I didn't have a problem with alcohol!  But it really burned me up that I couldn't "speak" at a meeting unless I was clean and sober for 90 days and I wanted everyone to hear my story.  I needed them to know who I was.  I needed them to know my struggles, because they "couldn't understand".  So I showed them.  I chose to stop drinking for 90 days so I could share my experience strength and hope (although I wasn't so sure about the strength and hope part, but I had some experience stories to tell!).  The most amazing thing happened.  I found out I was alcoholic!  

You see, I rarely drank.  Only a few drinks with dinner on occasion.  But I was so surprised at how hard it had become to pass up a drink when there was an opportunity after I quit smoking.  So this 90 day journey was pretty revealing and got me thinking about my relationship to not only pot, but alcohol as well.  I started thinking about my past experiences with drinking.  When I did drink, did I drink more than I intended?  Yes.  All of a sudden I was remembering times (not every time, but enough to make me notice) that I drank excessively or more than I intended.  The time when I got so drunk at my brother-in-laws bachelor party that I puked in the bushes; the times that I went away on a business trip and ordered three beers with my dinner so I could relax; and the last time I drank when I was having a glass of wine when I was out to dinner with friends that turned into half the bottle.  I got into the car and drove my wife and I home from the city.  Looking back and reflecting on that - my best thinking told me that I would be better off driving rather than admit I had too much to drink and look like a pansy!  Well after the 90 days of not drinking so I could tell my story at a meeting, I realized a fantastic thing - I didn't need to drink or smoke!

I decided I would have two anniversaries.  An anniversary from smoking and one from drinking.  After I think I received my 18 month chip, I chose to combine them into a true sobriety date.  August 1 was the first day I did not drink or smoke.  I was clean and sober!

Thanks, Loren. Good stuff. Had you thought about giving A New Leaf a chance to print this? If you go to http://marijuana-anonymous.org/submitstory.shtml you can just cut 'n paste....

I won't get a meeting today, but I somehow feel as if I just had one.

All the best and Happy Birthday!

Great idea, Keith!  Done....  Now I have John Mac's voice in my head from the conference, "That should go in the New Leaf"!

Well done, Loren!

You've done a valuable service today.